Miss Amy

A small sign of life

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:11:15 GMT

Date created:	2001-05-25 20:42:28
Date updated:	2006-09-21 11:03:50, 81 weeks ago
Journal entries:	452
Comments:	Posted: 166 - Received: 96

EIGHTY-ONE WEEKS AGO.

To think I joined LJ nearly seven years ago. To think the last time I posted an entry here was more than a year and a half ago. To think that last post (and the first post anyone who found their way to my LJ would see) was about one of the most... world-shaking events of my life because it changed the way I saw things... because I felt betrayed, because it was about love and trust and the things that keep my spirit going... And I left that up there! For all the world to see, for more than a year and a half!

What a world. Oh what a world.

So I am updating to change this, just by a little. This is a small sign of life. A stirring of symbols and sounds to show you that I'm still alive, somewhere, somehow. Maybe.

Sometimes I'm not sure how real I am, even if I think and therefore I am -- or rather, I am supposed to be. *scratches head* Is this making sense at all?

I'm older now, and it's weird, but I think despite growing older and the expectations that I should have matured, I'm only and still so immature. I feel like I just don't fit or fit in or the pieces of me, my mind, my heart, my body, my experiences, all of it, they don't blend the way they should, don't match up perfectly or even well enough. I resent this intense... inferiority complex? I wish I was better and that I could live up to the expectations of the ones I love and respect.

I'm stopping here and maybe another time I'll get around to writing more and being more involved, though I suppose I won't "pick up where I've left off" or whatever, or even "pick this up again" as in sticking to this journal -- since I abandoned this one several times and for long spans. But I'm alive, somehow, even if the only eyes who are reading this are mine and no one else knows I still exist. I'm... alive.

(I think. :s)

[/02:05]

Betrayal of trust

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 11:03:49 GMT

I feel shitty and I feel stupid. I thought that I could pretend nothing happened, that I didn't do anything, that I didn't find anything, that nothing happened. That all I did was approve my comment. I couldn't. And I couldn't stop my curiosity, to go back and look again.

And every time... it got worse... And I just couldn't stop. I could hear my heart pounding, pounding, in my ears and breaking the trust I had in him.

I never thought this would happen to me, not in seriousness. Was it Aristotle? Something about the mark of a sound mind being able to entertain a thought without... something. I forget.

So I admit that I was worried, that I was jealous, that I was envious, that I was possessive, that I was and am territorial, because that's a mark of a Taurus if I've ever... well, I don't know where that one was going exactly. Mark of a Taurus if I ever knew a thing about astrology. Not that astrology's important at this point.

So I admit that I thought he had the capacity for it. That a lot of people have the capacity for it. I'll damn admit I have the capacity for it. But it doesn't mean I ever would. I'll damn admit I'd thought about the possibilities of it, but I didn't entertain those thoughts for long. No plans. And you should know... I am a planner. Whether I follow through or not, that is another matter, but I'm a planner. And with a plan, I might go through, or I might not. But without a plan... There's no going through at all. So you see... Highly unlikely for me to commit such an act, capacity existent or not.

But I looked. Not because I thought I would find something. If I thought I might find something, well, I would have done it a long time ago and just confront and be done. It would be over like the incident from some months ago. But as I told him... That time... was not half as bad, not a quarter as bad as this, not even COMPARABLE to this.

I looked. And every time I did... it got worse... And I couldn't stop. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and breaking the trust I had in him. Breaking and crushing what must have been something like a beautiful glass tower... Breaking with every word I read. Every word I relayed. Every thought. Thoughts of disbelief.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me. A nightmare.

But a living nightmare. How could I be so stupid to think this... I believed in him. I trusted in him. I trusted that he wouldn't stab me in the back after all his jealous talks to me in front. I never did anything like he did... I never thought he had anything to hide... Until I found out that he changed his password.

Now I don't know what to believe.

That maybe he did it... with a smidgen of belief that I might find out, because he didn't change all his passwords, at least not all to things I didn't already know.

I'd never looked through his stuff believing he had anything to hide, anything incriminating, and not even for fun, really. Maybe once, but I knew I wouldn't find anything, you know? I trusted him. What I did today... I didn't do because I'd changed my mind either, at least not initially. It was just a joke. It was mischief. It wasn't serious.

It got serious.

What hurts is that he lied to me. Yeah, okay, I lied to him: I said it was nothing, don't worry about it. But boys are so oblivious. He lied to me and said he had nothing to hide. That he didn't know.

But I knew, and I saw what he wrote before he deleted it. So... I can't believe it. If he believed he was safe, that he had nothing to hide... He wouldn't have deleted the messages.

And... maybe he did believe he was safe, just a little. Because he didn't even have the complete fear to delete the one that would incriminate him the most. Actually... No. That one is possibly not the worst.

I was such a fool.

So blind. I feel so stupid. Not so stupid anymore, but I feel stupid for being stupid and blind before. Thinking that this wouldn't happen to me. Thinking I could trust him to be that faithful. Trust him to adhere to his MARINE CORPS MOTTO... Semper fidelis. Always faithful.

... I was jealous of one girl for a while, but then I saw that she wasn't just a random girl; they knew each other before. So I gave up on that one. Besides... I saw this, and now I feel a lot better about her. (Textual emphasis [such as bold] is mine.)

From: *******
Date: Jul 17 2006 1:12 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Dude PFT in the morning, I so don't want to do it..
Body: So shouldn't you have just sent this to her in a message? Anyway, if you're online, my SN is TheRightWingGirl. Let me know when you'll be in SD!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: They call me "Dogfart"
Date: Jul 16, 2006 9:20 PM

Yeah, I expect her to.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jocelyn
Date: Jul 17, 2006 12:17 AM

Haha, I can't believe you sent out this bulletin... only your girlfriend should answer this one!
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: They call me "Dogfart"
Date: Jul 16, 2006 7:38 PM

: sexy test????
Body: This is the "Sexy" test. Reply through a message with your answers. Post this and see who will fill this out. You may be surprised to see some of the answers.

Do you think i have a nice body?
[] yes
[] no

I am..
[] hott
[] decent
[] sexy
[] ugly
[] cute

I look like..
[] a player
[] hubby/wifey type
[] one time thing

If you saw me for the first time would you talk to me?
[] Yes
[] No

Would you rather..
[] hook up
[] cuddle
[] have sex
[] date
[] get married

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), rate me..
[] 1
[] 2
[] 3
[] 4
[] 5
[] 6
[] 7
[] 8
[] 9
[] 10

Are you going to repost this so i can answer for YOU?
[]yes

But... while I feel better about her... I feel worse about him. Can I say this enough? I couldn't believe that he would do something like this to me.

To: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 15 2006 1:57 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: RATE ME...
Body: How good do i look from 1-10 (1-ugly / 10-HOTT)
[] 1
[] 2
[] 3
[] 4
[] 5
[] 6
[X] 7
[] 8
[] 9
[] 10

Would you rather..
[X] Do me
Or
[] Date me

Do i have pretty eyes?
[X] yes
[] no

Do you like my body?
[X] yes
[] no

Would you be sad if i moved?
[] yes
[X]no?

Would you visit me?
[X] yes
[] no

Am i
[] okay
[] hott
[] sexy
[x]cute
[] ugly

Would you rather..
[X] makeout
[] cuddle
[] go out

Would you give me your number?
[x] yes
[] no

Are you going to repost this so i can answer for YOU?
[] yes
[X] no(you can just reply, lol)

Like this:

To: KRISTENE.
Date: Sep 16 2006 12:25 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: how aboutt...
Body: Sweet, just like my english teachers in high school, rofl, j/k. you are hotter then them. Anyway, I'll get crackin' on that paragraph asap.

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: KRISTENE.
Date: Sep 15, 2006 11:40 PM

for a bday present...yall write me a paragraph on yer thoughts of me so i can post it up on my page...
thatd be like totally nice..haha

Or what about these...

To: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 21 2006 1:48 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: MiKE ST0P P0STiNG BULLETiNS
Body: How about I just message you saying that you are cute, instead?
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 21, 2006 1:46 AM

iF Y0U THiNK MiKE SH0ULD ST0P P0STiNG BULLETiNS MESSAGE HiM!!!
To: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 21 2006 2:19 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: RE: RE: MiKE ST0P P0STiNG BULLETiNS
Body: Awesome. What's going on up in Nor Cal theses days?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 21, 2006 1:53 AM

HAHA i THiNK THAT'S BETTER

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Nam ve don
Date: Sep 20, 2006 10:48 PM

How about I just message you saying that you are cute, instead?
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: N-i-K-K-i
Date: Sep 21, 2006 1:46 AM

iF Y0U THiNK MiKE SH0ULD ST0P P0STiNG BULLETiNS MESSAGE HiM!!!
From: *Brittizle*
Date: Sep 1 2006 2:04 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: RE: Hey!
Body: ahh sorry i cant! i have work and my friend is also doing stuff for her birthday

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Nam ve don
Date: Aug 31, 2006 8:24 PM

What's up, pretty lady? What are your plans for this weekend? Want to hook up sometime saturday?

Looking at all of these... I was like... You've got to be shitting me. He wouldn't do this to me. Someone must have gotten into his stuff. His roommate must have been messing with his stuff.

But I finally confronted him. On the phone. So I couldn't run away from it anymore. So he couldn't run, but so mostly I couldn't run. I was going crazy just keeping it in for half a day. And he denied, denied, denied, made up excuses, and he lied to me. But he finally broke down and said it, admitted it. I said I was mad at him, not simply because of a password change. He said: Because I called her cute?

Child... You didn't just call a girl cute.

So whoever is reading this... You see my evidence. It's not just about a cute girl. Not just about a fucking fifteen-year-old who lives in a town like ten miles from where I live. I said it before, since he was fucking having a jealousy fit over me going to college... There will always be pretty boys and girls I think are cute. But I would never say that kind of shit. I wouldn't fucking message guys or girls who I think are attractive that I want to do them rather than date them, or that kind of shit. Do you get it?

And my GOD! I haven't even gotten the chance to get into college and see any person worth that kind of thing, not that I even have to because (at least, I believed this) there wouldn't even be anyone more alluring than him. But... I just would never have thought this could happen to me.

I thought I was so fucking lucky.

I was washing the dishes last night, and it was like... four in the morning. I was sponging my dinner bowl and I was thinking... I'm so lucky. I'm one of the lucky ones, won't have to go through heartbreak, through strings of lovers, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've thought so many times that I maybe had a slight resentment that I was so damn lucky, because I've got too much at stake, that I wouldn't get to experience the world and what it has to offer me, that this lack of experience contributed to my lack of material as a writer, as an artist, as a thinking person.

I was so wrong. I thought I was so fucking lucky, so blessed.

So someone... can someone tell me I'm wrong and I'm still so lucky, in a way that I can believe?

I know, I know: there could be worse things. This could be worse. But do you think I'm blowing this out of proportion? Because.. it's not just the mere messages. It's not just that he thinks girls are cute or hot or sexy. That's gonna happen, with or without me.

It's that I trusted him. It's that he fucking hurt me. It's that he would act so jealous and possessive of me but turn around and do this shit. It's that seeing these made me feel like I wasn't enough for him. It's that seeing these make me think he thought I was stupid, that he could pull the wool over my eyes, that I'd never be hurt by this. Okay, I've got my own secrets and will come clean -- in fact, he doesn't even have to ask. It's a small thing, but I'll let him know, maybe tomorrow, if he decides he really does love me and calls me. It's not like these messages of his. And the two that he didn't even have the fear in him to make disappear... In fact... I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I feel like I'm not enough for him. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. After all his shit about how he's not good enough for me -- and again, I've already said this before, in another entry: whenever he says that stuff, it registers as something else in my mind: that I am not good enough for him.

After all the trouble I go through... After almost a year of waiting... Goddamnit! I didn't fucking ask for this! He didn't even ask for my input! He joined and left and I couldn't say a damn thing. I waited for him through boot, through combat training, through MOS school, and I've been waiting since he's been in Camp Pendleton. I waited all this time because I believed in him and I believed in us and I trusted him and I believed he was worth it, I believed we were worth it, I believed he wouldn't betray my trust this way. I feel so foolish. Love turns people into fools.

I thought he cared about me. I thought he was worth it.

I'm so fucking glad I never gave in to intercourse with him. I don't know what kinds of shitty I'd feel now if I had.

And what is another dagger in the heart... is that I love him. Of course I still love him. I can't help it. I love him.

But now I don't trust him.

I used to have those little thoughts... I'd think, Hm, yeah, I'd probably forgive him if he cheated. And -- as far as I know, anyway -- he hasn't cheated. (Lord help him if he has and I find out.) So I know, okay? I know. It's not as bad as it could be. But that makes me think now... What is it that I don't know? He is a Marine, after all. He is away from here. What don't I know?

I was listening to this song not long after I woke up. And I was like, wow, because I've loved this song for a long time, and then I hadn't heard it in a while, and I was listening to it again this morning. It's so pretty... And I was thinking, as beautiful as it is, I'm so lucky, so blessed -- I don't have to experience a crushing moment like in this song.

Boy was I wrong.

He says he's sorry. He says he loves me. He says he wants to stay in this relationship. He says he doesn't need the week I'm giving him to decide; he loves me and he knows it now and doesn't need a week.

I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool.

I keep feeling temptation, and I keep trying to fight it off. I keep telling myself, there is no rush and it is not important. It hadn't been important for me before. And... what a pain. I only think so much about betrothals and marriage because he's mentioned it, because he's asked me so many times in the past few years. If he had never said anything, I probably wouldn't think about it. It's all his fault.

The last time we had dinner at his father's... His father told me to watch out, because he'd just gotten his car, so his father was telling me to beware... He's got a new toy. He'll be putting his car first and before me now... And he was like, no, don't listen to my dad. I thought I could believe him... But of all people... his dad was right, huh?

"Your House [A Capella]" (hidden track on Jagged Little Pill)
Alanis Morissette

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
If I sulk in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

What do I do?

In one more hour, it will be five in the morning and will hopefully be asleep by then. Maybe asleep by six.

I have an optometrist appointment at one.

[/04:01]

Gasp! I'm back.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:41:59 GMT

The last time I was here at the Dartmouth entrance, there was no wireless. There were only two wireless networks available at the time and didn't reach here. Now there are at least two all around the building, I think. I was even on wireless in the garage! (That's where I typed the entire of the last entry.)

I'm lovin' this. Haha.

Making some notes...

After we graduated, Jane, Kat, Lily, and I went on a road-senior-trip to Disneyland. Just us teen girls, haha. It was lots of fun. Tower of Terror was exciting. Oh gosh, if you've ever been on the Matterhorn at all... You should go at night when it's all dark. So much fun. Kat and I were screaming. Those yeti always get me. xP

RIGHT BEFORE the trip, I cut my hair. It was almost down to my waist again and I had a great many split ends. My split ends had split ends. Haha. So I cut it again. *Shrug* My hair was long and pretty but of course a fuss, so I cut it. Took some scissors to it and hacked a foot or so off. It was a strange thing... After I'd done it, I felt like crying or throwing up. Or both. But I didn't.

For many months before we got our rings, Kat had been threatening to get me a ring. Patrick was like, NO! Kat can bite me! If she buys you a ring, I'm going to eat it! (And he probably would.) But he hasn't exactly leapt into buying me any ol' engagement ring, so Kat's beat him to it anyway. I stalled from my birthday through Kat's birthday, but we went to Union Square on a Spare the Air day before her trip to Italy and ordered them. It's a terribly snug fit. xP

Yeah. Okay. I'm not really working, though I'm at work. I'm... hungry. Don't get off for another two hours and don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the day either.

[/10:41]

Another year gone!

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 17:10:48 GMT

Since the last post I made was over a year ago... I guess I have a few updates about my life.

I'm still working at the library; in fact, I am working RIGHT NOW. But the change is that we used to be at a temp location near Hillsdale, and now we have been in the process of moving back and getting situated in the "new," remodeled library in Downtown.

Shortly after I had entered my senior year in high school, Patrick joined the Marine Corps. It's been rather difficult for us, especially in the beginning. I was really disaffected and unhappy for my senior year. My grades fell and all I wanted was OUT. I just wanted to be out of high school. I felt I was done with it.

I joined the Robotics team. I didn't build, but I helped out, particularly with our newsletter. I wrote some articles and such, but Bernice was really the star. She makes things look beautiful and she's so professional, even when she's got twenty other irons in the fire, so to speak.

Anime Club was... *shakes hand with outspread fingers* eh. It went generally well, but I feel a little disappointed whenever there's a club or group and we're not close enough to know each other semi-well. Organized a FanimeCon group. I paid for the hotel room. Yikes. And I staffed for E-Gaming... which didn't go as I'd hoped and lacked certain perks, but I did have fun.

It was extremely shaky for most of the year. My mother was really worried and aggravated about how poor certain grades were; I kept getting letters from the school warning me that I was in danger of not graduating. But I made it. I had way more credits than I needed to graduate because of extra classes I'd taken. I went over the 500 points necessary for Silver Sword (recognition type thing at my school for involvement in things other than school) from all the clubs and stuff. I'm pretty proud of that...

I got my drivers license. That was a struggle, too. But I got there in the end. Triumph!

Kat and I were in Youth For Asian Theater (YFAT) once again. Co-direction and acting AND stage crew. I had been really anxious about it not turning out well because I felt the company was not prepared enough. It was intense for a while, but the show actually went really smoothly and turned out great.

On Saturday, August 12, I saw Lifehouse in concert at the San Mateo County Fair with Andrea and her family. Kickass. Jason Wade came off the stage to walk down the aisle in the audience and I was about three feet away and had my camera in my hand but was like, holy crap! and was just pretty stunned. Haha. The concert was awesome. I digitally filmed part of "Everything." I love the song, and despite my understanding that it's a song about God rather than romantic love... I am going to make it a part of my future wedding.

Kat and I got engaged. Bought each other 160$ rings from Tiffany & Co. and proposed to each other during a YFAT rehearsal. Haha. Well... Kat is going to UC Santa Cruz and I am going to UC Davis. (Oh the prestige!) And perhaps some of you will recall those cheesy friendship necklaces that came in pairs, and you would get one and your best friend would get one, and when you put them together, they would match up and form one thing. You know, like a piece of a puzzle or some such. So our rings are kinda like that, except... They're just the same ring (different sizes) and don't fit together like puzzle pieces or whatever. It's just a symbol of our bond. Expensive symbols of our bond. Haha.

After graduating from his MOS school in Virginia, Patrick came home for two weeks of leave. We spent lots of time together, though of course not enough. We were sitting on my bedroom floor one night, August 7th, I think, just talking, and he asked me to marry him. Not like it was the first time, hah, but I said yes. But I still wave my left hand at him, wave the empty space on my ring finger. The rings Kat and I bought each other fit to our middle fingers on the left hand -- I had to deliberately leave the ring finger open for Patrick. I'm totally pressuring him, haha.

Oh. Well, it is 10:09 and I think I'm supposed to switch now... That's all for now.

[/10:10]

Awesome, new music

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 07:43:27 GMT

Though this is the same title as my DeadJournal entry, it will be more the-larger-picture than detailed... Plus, i'm unusually tired and my eyelids feel like they want to fall off, so allow me some sort of margin... i mean my poor writing here...

So i'm not likely to be returning here too much, which means i will be keeping with the same frequency with which i have posted here in the past... well, however long it's been. This has not been my primary journal for two or three years, and it's been such a journal of Younger Adolescence that it's no longer quite "me" anyway... It shows how much i've changed. (i hesitate to use the word "grown.")

But i thought i would give a short update/recap/summary of things... Just stuff that may have been missed out on since the last time i REALLY posted well here.

... And i just actually glanced around through the first page, and i HAVE said it many times before that it's all about the DJ now, haha. Whoops. About seven of the entries are crossposts... And there's still more...

Still. So what's happened... Since what seems to be the closest to a real entry here was my fifteenth birthday (X), from that point, i had two more birthdays. i used to have waist-length hair but it was cut to my shoulders. i've toyed with it since but only by giving myself very wispy almost-bangs. It's difficult to tell, maybe. i haven't dyed or bleached it since, though i keep telling myself it'll be purple for this coming school year... Yeah, right, we'll see how it goes. i've been to China. i take lots of pictures with my digital camera and upload some to deviantART on occasion. i attended CSM for health and bio. i attended CSM for psychology. i am attending CSM for microeconomics. i have been working since last fall at the library. i've gotten contacts. i've gotten a permit to drive, but am progressing (if you can use that word for what i'm doing) poorly. i need new glasses. i've learned how to use tampons. i got a silver iPod mini for my birthday and rip songs from cds that i buy as well as borrow from the library to load onto it. i still am not sure where i want to go or what i want to do in the future. i spend more money than i should, and it is relatively a LOT, i guess because i've a job now. My priorities have been altered, and so have my perceptions, and... Well, many things. Self-damaging behaviors are more than just frowned upon. Some friends, i've gotten closer with, and some, i've grown more distant with. My romantic life is different, very, very different than it used to be. Love's been consolidated. A once non-existent interest in sexuality has bloomed. My poetic ability has diminished and dwindled to almost nothing, so that's pretty pathetic. i've gotten myself into many troubles, yet my goodly mother has forgiven them. She's such a saint. Ummm... and i've joined a theater company with my best friend Kat. Acting in two plays and directing one, the performance is in less than three weeks. Oh and i'm rethinking my ideas on marriage. Personally, that is.

Wahh, so tired. And i don't know what else to say. No one reads this anyway.

i just bought this album... i really do like it. Yes, umm... Good night!

[/00:42]

pleasant surprises

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 04:23:42 GMT

OMG my violet leaf grew roots in the midst of winter! YAY!

Truly, great surprise after waiting weeks, wondering maybe that winter was really the wrong season to pilfer a violet leaf... Heheh.

Nya i feel so dorky. my Comments Posted is one less than Comments Received, 90 to 91, so i'm trying to resist and hold off from posting any comments... LoL maybe i ought not to bother, no one reads this anymore anyway.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone, i totally forgot to say it, nya...

Everyone, go to FanimeCon! It'll be lotsa fun! ^_^

Nothing really has anything to do with anything else in this post, seems pretty random. i got my Hot Topic ordered stuff, btw! i love it! A lovely black Tripp book bag, X tape with grommets and yellow stitching, and a two-pack of solid fluorescent pink tights with black fishnet ones... :D

Okay, really, i should do homework. Heheh. Much love! Sorry for being so inactive. ^_^;;;

[/20:23]

i am so in love.

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 04:39:25 GMT

Just thought i'd let you know. :)

Love, love, love.

In love with my boyfriend - in love with art, music, and beauty - in love with life.

Maybe not with the life i lead, but with life in general. With living, with the friends i have, with the things that are so beautiful that i can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel. i'm not dead inside. i used to think that way, and i used to talk that way, and i used to write that way. But no. i feel so alive, sometimes. Even when i'm so tired and sleepy. Even physical exhaustion is nothing really. Because even if i feel like i'm dying... i'm still alive. Still noting my self and my surroundings and all the stupid things i do.

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Wear my underwear outside my pants.

Get your resolution here

[/20:38]

Jimmy crack corn...

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 06:15:10 GMT

... and i don't care.

i write stupid things... and i don't care!

O-oh, well, i do, but if it's posted, why would i bother deleting it. Like that stalling entry of ____ is love crap.

Yes. Okay. i got a DA account. http://kogitsune.deviantart.com and you KNOW you don't care but when you get bored enough, you'll click. HAH. Okay, so you won't. It's all right.

No one reads this one anyway. i think i've frankly stopped caring about this one much anyway, since... 1) it's so old, people don't know about it 2) it's so old, people don't care about it 3) it's so old, there are few CURRENT and active friends around to bother looking in on me here... It's all about my DeadJournal, i guess. Maybe.

Rant rant rant... yo.

[/22:14]

Happy new year!

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 06:39:53 GMT

You know... i should probably revamp this. Because things have changed and all? But yeah.

Maybe when i have money to waste, and am able to get paid accounts for EEEEVVERYTHiNG. This journal, DeadJournal, DevArt, who knows.

Happy new year, everyone. i hope you have been having very lovely holidays. School resumes for me in less than 9-10 hours. i don't want to go. Please don't make me go. (i'llendupgoingiknowit! i know it! still, i resist... in spirit!)

Yup.

i don't really know, but i should be getting to homework, i suppose. i have to answer about a hundred questions on The Great Gatsby, which, frankly, i don't like. And i mean both answering homework reading questions AND the book. Really. i liked Scarlet Letter but Gatsby? Pfshh. No thanks.

All righty. Enough stalling...

[/22:38]

giggle love is love

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 02:09:06 GMT

i'm simply avoiding studying AP chemistry so... bloop.


love is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator


bisexuality is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator


insanity is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator


moonlight is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

ooh pretty colors. i love it. some of its absurdity is wonderful. "cows are love," ahahaha. *refresh*


teasing is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

"narcissism is love" - it is, isn't it? and conceit.

okay. i am done. for now.

[/18:08]

bloop

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 01:33:02 GMT

xmas party at kitsunetenshi's house!!

worldsofdisney
worldsofdisney drank 2 white russians and 4 sambuccas.

worldsofdisney was arrested for screaming "Hot Sushi Yon Kebab!" at a war veteran
who happened to be hobbling past the house at the time.

You worldsofdisney, my dear fellow are a true alcoholic! You do love your dizzy juice dont ye!

lorelai
lorelai drank 10 irish creams, a vermouth, 11 stouts, 13 brandys, 9 hot toddys and 15 goldschlagers.

lorelai and kisei were on the edge of a punch-up after kisei called lorelai a balding greasy bastard with hungry head lice!

tobiasg16
tobiasg16 drank 12 pulques, 8 champagnes, 4 poteens, 6 cognacs, 15 irish creams and 11 aftershocks.

babiekk
babiekk drank 14 sambuccas, 8 everclears, 8 aftershocks and 10 ciders.

kitsunetenshi
kitsunetenshi drank 14 irish creams, 15 aligator bites and 9 sambuccas.

acezero
acezero drank 12 pulques, a red wine, 2 sherrys, 9 lagers, 5 vermouths and 6 brandys.

blackroseasylum
blackroseasylum drank 11 brandys, 15 aligator bites, 2 vodkas and 5 hot toddys.

kisei
kisei drank 5 cognacs, a champagne, 11 sherrys, 4 ciders and 9 kahluas.

Dear god kitsunetenshi! Your house was a bloody mess afterwards! The following
bastards barfed all over your carpet - lorelai, kitsunetenshi, blackroseasylum

Xmas Party?

Drunken fights, hammer attacks, glorious turkeys, ridiculous amounts of alcohol, sex, drugs and rock n roll

Enter your name below to experience the ultimate in complete useless bollocks!

bah, that's boring.

Anyway, too lazy for detailing much. See the DeadJournal. It tells all...lllmost everything. Heh. :D

[/17:31]

cross post//see DeadJournal

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 00:38:56 GMT

from http://www.deadjournal.com/users/missamy/183185.html

<td>i can't see how you can't do the same for me as i do for you... i feel like.. we're not at the same level of thought...

and perhaps... that something was not as i thought it was... now i don't want to do anything. and i'm wondering.. if i should close this part of me now. for now and for ever. i hate how vulnerable i can be sometimes. i don't know if i want to be so open anymore to people.

everyone sees a different part of me, at different times. i can be a mirror. i cannot be a window. maybe... maybe i can be a wall. close the doors to what is soft and warm inside, the nerves sensitive and easily injured, bruised. close the doors and lock this place up and away.

maybe this is melodramatic. it is. but it's what i'm thinking about... what harm in thinking... versus whatever harm in the actual actions or deeds?

so don't worry... i'm only thinking...

only worry.. when the deed is actually done. [/16:17]

</td>

bleh, i don't know. don't worry... (not that you will.)

i just needed to vent. i always take time to think... which is why the homework never gets done...

[/16:38]

lyric-thing stolen from:

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 08:28:21 GMT

http://www.livejournal.com/users/mina5643/147131.html?#cutid1

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 15 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly. P.S: no cheating and pasting the lyrics into a search engine.

(while i'm here, this is cute: http://www.mows.com/zsherpa10.html)

Tried to do this really quickly so eh... not 15. And some songs i didn't know any lyrics to or it was instrumental or it was the same song again...

1. i believe in people lying, i believe in people dying
i believe in people trying, i believe in people crying...

2. we'll be wishing on the same star, looking at the same moon...

3. hold me, adore me, seduce me, explore me
oh i can be your skin, your sin...

4. Ophelia was a tempest, cyclone, a goddamn hurricane
your common sense, your best defense they wasted and in vain
for Ophelia'd know your every woe and every pain you'd ever had
she'd sympathize and dry your eyes and help you to forget
and help you to forget...
the secret doors, the corridors, she'd wander them alone, all alone

5. liberate this will to release us all
gotta cut away, clear away, slip away and sever this...
one more medicated peaceful moment...

6. i'll give up my hope, nothing's left anyway
all these words that you spoke, did you mean to say?
my mind's worn down, my hurt's on display
please don't take your time when you walk away...
i can't say what tomorrow will bring
in some ways, i can't say anything
when will life again feel right?
love has its consequence

7. something somewhere out there keeps calling...
zero gravity - what's it like? (am i alone?)
is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet?
still the road keeps on telling me to go on
something is pulling me
i feel the gravity of it all

8. if only i could call the rain to melt and wash away the pain you feel, i would...
i close my eyes and watch as my life passes by, the only thing i see is you...

9. when you're safe inside your room, you tend to dream
of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
no one ever wants or bothers to explain
all the heartache life can bring and what it means...
in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
it's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid... by blackroseasylum

10. i wanna be with you now
itsu no hi ka distance mo
dakishimerareru you ni nareru yo
we can start sooner
yappari i wanna be with you...

oh, ick. oh well. there you go... um.

i have work in the morning. sh__... >>;;; more later, when i remember.

[/0:27]

Hey everyone

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 00:28:07 GMT

Hey there.

i haven't posted in 59 weeks, it says. That is definitely over a year and a month.

Wow, LiveJournal has changed a lot since i last posted here.

Sorry i haven't been around much. DeadJournal has my favor... Easier to work with there... and stuff...

Things sure have changed.

i don't know what else to say. i'm home, i'm home. Today was the last day of school of this year. Won't be heading back there until 2005. What wonders...

It's kind of hard to believe i have been gone so long from here. i never meant to abandon it forever...

i didn't mean to start some things and then abandon them... i'm sorry.

i don't mean to abandon. i just take a really long time in returning.

Anyway... what can i say. i'm pooped.

[/16:26]

w00t

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 06:03:55 GMT

can't keep up two online journals at a time ^_^;;
everything (well, almost) that's been going down is on my DeadJournal so check that out if you want ^^;;;

The Potion Maker
kitsunetenshillium is a milky, pasty lavender gel made from the lungs of a sphinx.
Mix with kitsunetenshi! Username:
Yet another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern

:) love,

meee.

[/22:04]

xDDD cross-post!

Wed, 17 Sep 2003 07:38:07 GMT

Click HERE for PiCTUUUUUUUUUUURES!!!

^______________________^;;;

MORE LATER! HOMEWORK NOW!

[/0:37X23:59]

sorry ^^;

Tue, 16 Sep 2003 14:02:56 GMT

i know i haven't been writing here in ages. as always, go look at the other journal, because that's where it is all at... but yeah. here's a cross-post:

hooome! LJClient!! nyaaaah!

i'm on my normal computer! w00t! take that, Compaq!.. (heh. the other computer is a Compaq. this is... an eMachine. or something.) erm... ye-ahhh...

but anyway. i did indeed...

cut my hair

yup, yup. a foot and a half.. GONE! it's shoulder-length, which is funny, since.. well, i knew this would happen. i KNEW my mother would make it shorter than she indicated... (my shoulder blade... which is like, 3 inches longer than how it is right now.) anyway.. it's longer in front. so it tends to hang in my face until i pin it back and whatnot. like right now.

you'll have to wait for the post-pictures. and the pre-pictures. they haven't gotten developed yet... the post-pictures.. well, i haven't even loaded the film yet, so uhh... will be a while to take 26 pictures. be patient, please.

i woke up a little before 5a to do my homework, seeing as i did almost none of it yesterday, which was indeed a minimum day...

anyway. it's 7a now, i have a big history thingy to go finish off, and i'm mostly done... hopefully i can get to school early and ask about the lab yesterday... as i can't quite finish, since my group didn't know what the hell they were doing and apparently, i don't have the mass for the triangle piece of foil... eh, never mind ^_^;

but yeah, that's it for now. more laaater

[/7:02; Kitsune]

school in 7 hours

Mon, 25 Aug 2003 07:34:48 GMT

hahaha erm... i have a headache. @@;;

oy! i got a phone today! w00t-ness. i want ringtones but can't figure it out. oh well.

need to finish 1984 still. wish me luck, since i've got about an hour left. ooh the puter clock says 12:34 *giggle* o.o; no.

nya i guess i'm gonna go ^^;;; gotta get my stuff together and whatnot. more later :P

[/Kitsune]

CRoSS-PoST

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 18:39:52 GMT

yup! so i've been online for 4 hours now... eh. oh well.

spent it playing Afterlife (well, TRYiNG to, w/Dave K. ^___^) and then got worried about some typing glitch my computer's been having for a few days now... it seems fine right now but it just happens at almost totally random times... yeah. i just try typing, and no matter what key i've hit, the program that's been selected/active while my attempted typing has, supposedly, an error or something and needs to be closed. so EVERYTHiNG.. (well, whatever program) gets shut down, even Explorer, and i'm left with my ??;; face or O.O;;; face and with phrases and words like wtf and so on :P

*sigh* oh yeah, the last two hours or so were spent playing Diablo II. i was falling asleep while in Flayers Jungle or whatever it is.. and that.. swamp... or something. ARGH gloams are poo-butts. meh.

saaaaa i tried studying, sorta, not really. you know, 4 hours ago, when my mother woke me up and chastised me for having wet hair after showering and not blow-drying and just going straight to bed so i was SUPPOSEDLY soaking meh blankets and stuff, even though i WASN'T..? yeah.

you know... i don't know why i keep using 'saa.' i guess it's just because... i don't know. it sounds cool. hah, i like it better than 'ano' or 'eto,' i guess. i heard Tart use it in Tokyo Mew Mew but it wasn't really.. anything. eh. maybe i just like it because it streeetches. well, it does when i say it.

i'm rambling, but really, i DiD get.. a few minutes of sleep. erm. yeah. i think i'll go take... a nap... *fwump; snore* (i don't think i snore but for expressive/demonstrative purposes...)

CROSS-POST

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 09:26:48 GMT

teehee... hmmm Revis, nya? they sound pretty good... (they were on Jimmy Kimmel Live an hour ago and i was like... O.O -- ^_^;;)

saaa... they're doing a tour w/Evanescence and Cold and some others so i want to go now O.O;;;

LoL... not just that they sound good... they look kinda cute too... ewwww am i being a hormonal creature? hahaha. all right, i'm gonna go... i have so much work and studying that i haven't done... i feel like 67% of me wants to give up because i am NOT.. likely... to learn like, 10 lessons worth of kanji and grammar and vocabulary in 2 weeks! i totally slacked off, so unintentionally... *sigh* i'm gonna pay for it... i'm gonna be stuck in 3-4 instead of moving ahead to 5-6...

and yet... this 33% wants to try. REALLY hard. and get it all done, and cram... yeah, cram it ALL >_<;;; shimatta!! how am i going to do this... there's so much frickin' kanji to learn! i am bound by scholastic duty to try... but i don't know. i might fail, because.. i let myself. i am a compulsive.. what might the word be... i don't know, i just give up so easily because.. it's easy for me.

anyway, i'm gonna go and drool over concert tickets i can't likely get. *wave* oyasumi.

see DeadJournal, again.

Sun, 03 Aug 2003 04:38:15 GMT

deleted the last entry because the link was being stupid. or rather, its host. those... *curses* >_>;;;

that's all for this journal. go look at the other one :)

AHH! CHiPOTLE!

Sat, 02 Aug 2003 11:07:21 GMT

if curious, see my DeadJournal! yes! go! i love you! no, really! i'm serious!

yeah, i'll... go now. i think sleep would be best... yeah. but...

i love you... CHiPoTLE!

MiTTE! ATASHi NO... uh. DeadJournal.

Fri, 01 Aug 2003 12:22:59 GMT

that was probably wrong anyway. considering i've been slacking off MAjORLY from my studies. ARGH.

anyway.. the following is some cutting-pasting-cross-posting, of course.

yeah, so i may be comfortable sitting in this chair but my body's being uncomfortable in itself, and my mentality is a little uncomfortable, too.

OH, LOL, i FOUND iT... ach, it's a bad word, but i am SO going to use it. kuso, hahaha... >_>;; gomen. i heard Yuuhi use it, i think. so hah. yeah. (been watching too much anime lately x_X;;;)

in any case... he hasn't called. i checked my e-mails today... nothing. then again, my hotmail one was full so i might've lost it along the way and yeah... but yeah. and i didn't really feel at all social today (nor yesterday, come to think of it. the phone rang like, 7 times for me, and i got so ... irritated.) so i haven't done anything.

mehhh, i'm tired and getting so easily distracted. but he hasn't called and i'm in such an angry phase, unlike my normal self, which is: *sob; regret; mope; sulk; brood*

it's more like *grr; frown; snarl; brood,* i think. sorta. not THAT bad but it's just... irritation/anger rather than sorrow? i don't know what the circumstances are, exactly... but isn't there SOME way he could just contact me? he said he would, when i called, (heh, thanks for the prompting, Andrea) that he'd call me that night... and um... maybe it was me being out, or not being awake... but i've gotten no calls from him. just a crapload of other people. (no offense, my darlings.)

i just... i'm kinda worried. you know, cuz... i do that. whenever i don't know what's.. going on. ARGH, Scarlet is SO not helping, it's making me cry >___<;;;

ack. i suppose i will go burn the piano version onto a cd, along with the first disc of the FFX-2 OST mp3s... it's a very, very lovely song. but by looking at the sheet music... i'm not going to fare well with it for a long time. trying to play it, that is. erm. yeah...

i'm so distracted, and for some reason, there's this pain on the side of the bridge of my nose and i'm paranoid and likely to get into trouble any minute now... so. good morning, everyone...

erm. not everything is there, clearly. so yeah. good morning. eek! my leg just twitched.

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 19:41:18 GMT

You're a CASUAL AIM-ER! Congrats, you're
normal...or you're pretending to be.

What kind of AIM-er are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

the sun has come up now... i'm going to bed.

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 13:24:16 GMT

been up 19 hours?
playing Afterlife... level 70 now! w00t!

bad me... shouldn't have stayed up so... *sigh* ^^;;;

time to get.. 5-6 hours of sleep! wh00... this is great... it's my dumdum diet pepsi's fault... has caffeine... and it's carbonated... (*don't usually drink soda*) and now i gotta go to the pottyyy... >_>;;;
and i'd better sleep before my parents wake to find me here. HAH! mebbe i'm jinxing myself... good morning!

[/end.]