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Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
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1:48 am - A small sign of life
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| Date created: | 2001-05-25 20:42:28 | | Date updated: | 2006-09-21 11:03:50, 81 weeks ago | | Journal entries: | 452 | | Comments: | Posted: 166 - Received: 96 |
EIGHTY-ONE WEEKS AGO.
To think I joined LJ nearly seven years ago. To think the last time I posted an entry here was more than a year and a half ago. To think that last post (and the first post anyone who found their way to my LJ would see) was about one of the most... world-shaking events of my life because it changed the way I saw things... because I felt betrayed, because it was about love and trust and the things that keep my spirit going... And I left that up there! For all the world to see, for more than a year and a half!
What a world. Oh what a world.
So I am updating to change this, just by a little. This is a small sign of life. A stirring of symbols and sounds to show you that I'm still alive, somewhere, somehow. Maybe.
Sometimes I'm not sure how real I am, even if I think and therefore I am -- or rather, I am supposed to be. *scratches head* Is this making sense at all?
I'm older now, and it's weird, but I think despite growing older and the expectations that I should have matured, I'm only and still so immature. I feel like I just don't fit or fit in or the pieces of me, my mind, my heart, my body, my experiences, all of it, they don't blend the way they should, don't match up perfectly or even well enough. I resent this intense... inferiority complex? I wish I was better and that I could live up to the expectations of the ones I love and respect.
I'm stopping here and maybe another time I'll get around to writing more and being more involved, though I suppose I won't "pick up where I've left off" or whatever, or even "pick this up again" as in sticking to this journal -- since I abandoned this one several times and for long spans. But I'm alive, somehow, even if the only eyes who are reading this are mine and no one else knows I still exist. I'm... alive.
(I think. :s)
[/02:05]
current mood:  pensive
current music: Stroke 9 - Letters
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, September 21st, 2006
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2:26 am - Betrayal of trust
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I feel shitty and I feel stupid. I thought that I could pretend nothing happened, that I didn't do anything, that I didn't find anything, that nothing happened. That all I did was approve my comment. I couldn't. And I couldn't stop my curiosity, to go back and look again.
And every time... it got worse... And I just couldn't stop. I could hear my heart pounding, pounding, in my ears and breaking the trust I had in him.
I never thought this would happen to me, not in seriousness. Was it Aristotle? Something about the mark of a sound mind being able to entertain a thought without... something. I forget.
So I admit that I was worried, that I was jealous, that I was envious, that I was possessive, that I was and am territorial, because that's a mark of a Taurus if I've ever... well, I don't know where that one was going exactly. Mark of a Taurus if I ever knew a thing about astrology. Not that astrology's important at this point.
So I admit that I thought he had the capacity for it. That a lot of people have the capacity for it. I'll damn admit I have the capacity for it. But it doesn't mean I ever would. I'll damn admit I'd thought about the possibilities of it, but I didn't entertain those thoughts for long. No plans. And you should know... I am a planner. Whether I follow through or not, that is another matter, but I'm a planner. And with a plan, I might go through, or I might not. But without a plan... There's no going through at all. So you see... Highly unlikely for me to commit such an act, capacity existent or not.
But I looked. Not because I thought I would find something. If I thought I might find something, well, I would have done it a long time ago and just confront and be done. It would be over like the incident from some months ago. But as I told him... That time... was not half as bad, not a quarter as bad as this, not even COMPARABLE to this.
I looked. And every time I did... it got worse... And I couldn't stop. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears and breaking the trust I had in him. Breaking and crushing what must have been something like a beautiful glass tower... Breaking with every word I read. Every word I relayed. Every thought. Thoughts of disbelief.
I couldn't believe this was happening to me. A nightmare.
But a living nightmare. How could I be so stupid to think this... I believed in him. I trusted in him. I trusted that he wouldn't stab me in the back after all his jealous talks to me in front. I never did anything like he did... I never thought he had anything to hide... Until I found out that he changed his password.
Now I don't know what to believe.
That maybe he did it... with a smidgen of belief that I might find out, because he didn't change all his passwords, at least not all to things I didn't already know.
I'd never looked through his stuff believing he had anything to hide, anything incriminating, and not even for fun, really. Maybe once, but I knew I wouldn't find anything, you know? I trusted him. What I did today... I didn't do because I'd changed my mind either, at least not initially. It was just a joke. It was mischief. It wasn't serious.
It got serious.
What hurts is that he lied to me. Yeah, okay, I lied to him: I said it was nothing, don't worry about it. But boys are so oblivious. He lied to me and said he had nothing to hide. That he didn't know.
But I knew, and I saw what he wrote before he deleted it. So... I can't believe it. If he believed he was safe, that he had nothing to hide... He wouldn't have deleted the messages.
And... maybe he did believe he was safe, just a little. Because he didn't even have the complete fear to delete the one that would incriminate him the most. Actually... No. That one is possibly not the worst.
I was such a fool.
So blind. I feel so stupid. Not so stupid anymore, but I feel stupid for being stupid and blind before. Thinking that this wouldn't happen to me. Thinking I could trust him to be that faithful. Trust him to adhere to his MARINE CORPS MOTTO... Semper fidelis. Always faithful.
... I was jealous of one girl for a while, but then I saw that she wasn't just a random girl; they knew each other before. So I gave up on that one. Besides... I saw this, and now I feel a lot better about her. (Textual emphasis [such as bold] is mine.)
( this #1 )
But... while I feel better about her... I feel worse about him. Can I say this enough? I couldn't believe that he would do something like this to me.
( this #2 )
Like this:
( this #3 )
Or what about these...
( these )
Looking at all of these... I was like... You've got to be shitting me. He wouldn't do this to me. Someone must have gotten into his stuff. His roommate must have been messing with his stuff.
But I finally confronted him. On the phone. So I couldn't run away from it anymore. So he couldn't run, but so mostly I couldn't run. I was going crazy just keeping it in for half a day. And he denied, denied, denied, made up excuses, and he lied to me. But he finally broke down and said it, admitted it. I said I was mad at him, not simply because of a password change. He said: Because I called her cute?
Child... You didn't just call a girl cute.
So whoever is reading this... You see my evidence. It's not just about a cute girl. Not just about a fucking fifteen-year-old who lives in a town like ten miles from where I live. I said it before, since he was fucking having a jealousy fit over me going to college... There will always be pretty boys and girls I think are cute. But I would never say that kind of shit. I wouldn't fucking message guys or girls who I think are attractive that I want to do them rather than date them, or that kind of shit. Do you get it?
And my GOD! I haven't even gotten the chance to get into college and see any person worth that kind of thing, not that I even have to because (at least, I believed this) there wouldn't even be anyone more alluring than him. But... I just would never have thought this could happen to me.
I thought I was so fucking lucky.
I was washing the dishes last night, and it was like... four in the morning. I was sponging my dinner bowl and I was thinking... I'm so lucky. I'm one of the lucky ones, won't have to go through heartbreak, through strings of lovers, I'm one of the lucky ones. I've thought so many times that I maybe had a slight resentment that I was so damn lucky, because I've got too much at stake, that I wouldn't get to experience the world and what it has to offer me, that this lack of experience contributed to my lack of material as a writer, as an artist, as a thinking person.
I was so wrong. I thought I was so fucking lucky, so blessed.
So someone... can someone tell me I'm wrong and I'm still so lucky, in a way that I can believe?
I know, I know: there could be worse things. This could be worse. But do you think I'm blowing this out of proportion? Because.. it's not just the mere messages. It's not just that he thinks girls are cute or hot or sexy. That's gonna happen, with or without me.
It's that I trusted him. It's that he fucking hurt me. It's that he would act so jealous and possessive of me but turn around and do this shit. It's that seeing these made me feel like I wasn't enough for him. It's that seeing these make me think he thought I was stupid, that he could pull the wool over my eyes, that I'd never be hurt by this. Okay, I've got my own secrets and will come clean -- in fact, he doesn't even have to ask. It's a small thing, but I'll let him know, maybe tomorrow, if he decides he really does love me and calls me. It's not like these messages of his. And the two that he didn't even have the fear in him to make disappear... In fact... I just don't know what to believe anymore.
I feel like I'm not enough for him. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. After all his shit about how he's not good enough for me -- and again, I've already said this before, in another entry: whenever he says that stuff, it registers as something else in my mind: that I am not good enough for him.
After all the trouble I go through... After almost a year of waiting... Goddamnit! I didn't fucking ask for this! He didn't even ask for my input! He joined and left and I couldn't say a damn thing. I waited for him through boot, through combat training, through MOS school, and I've been waiting since he's been in Camp Pendleton. I waited all this time because I believed in him and I believed in us and I trusted him and I believed he was worth it, I believed we were worth it, I believed he wouldn't betray my trust this way. I feel so foolish. Love turns people into fools.
I thought he cared about me. I thought he was worth it.
I'm so fucking glad I never gave in to intercourse with him. I don't know what kinds of shitty I'd feel now if I had.
And what is another dagger in the heart... is that I love him. Of course I still love him. I can't help it. I love him.
But now I don't trust him.
I used to have those little thoughts... I'd think, Hm, yeah, I'd probably forgive him if he cheated. And -- as far as I know, anyway -- he hasn't cheated. (Lord help him if he has and I find out.) So I know, okay? I know. It's not as bad as it could be. But that makes me think now... What is it that I don't know? He is a Marine, after all. He is away from here. What don't I know?
I was listening to this song not long after I woke up. And I was like, wow, because I've loved this song for a long time, and then I hadn't heard it in a while, and I was listening to it again this morning. It's so pretty... And I was thinking, as beautiful as it is, I'm so lucky, so blessed -- I don't have to experience a crushing moment like in this song.
Boy was I wrong.
He says he's sorry. He says he loves me. He says he wants to stay in this relationship. He says he doesn't need the week I'm giving him to decide; he loves me and he knows it now and doesn't need a week.
I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fool.
I keep feeling temptation, and I keep trying to fight it off. I keep telling myself, there is no rush and it is not important. It hadn't been important for me before. And... what a pain. I only think so much about betrothals and marriage because he's mentioned it, because he's asked me so many times in the past few years. If he had never said anything, I probably wouldn't think about it. It's all his fault.
The last time we had dinner at his father's... His father told me to watch out, because he'd just gotten his car, so his father was telling me to beware... He's got a new toy. He'll be putting his car first and before me now... And he was like, no, don't listen to my dad. I thought I could believe him... But of all people... his dad was right, huh?
"Your House [A Capella]" (hidden track on Jagged Little Pill)
Alanis Morissette
I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I shouldn't be here, without permission
I shouldn't be here
Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon
I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
I went through your drawers
And found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD's
And I played your Joni
And I shouldn't stay long, you might be home soon
I shouldn't stay long
Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon
I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said "Hello love, I love you so love, meet me at midnight"
And no, it wasn't my writing
I'd better go soon
It wasn't my writing
So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
If I sulk in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon
What do I do?
In one more hour, it will be five in the morning and will hopefully be asleep by then. Maybe asleep by six.
I have an optometrist appointment at one.
[/04:01]
current mood:  crushed
current music: Evanescense - Forgive Me
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
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10:25 am - Gasp! I'm back.
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The last time I was here at the Dartmouth entrance, there was no wireless. There were only two wireless networks available at the time and didn't reach here. Now there are at least two all around the building, I think. I was even on wireless in the garage! (That's where I typed the entire of the last entry.)
I'm lovin' this. Haha.
Making some notes...
After we graduated, Jane, Kat, Lily, and I went on a road-senior-trip to Disneyland. Just us teen girls, haha. It was lots of fun. Tower of Terror was exciting. Oh gosh, if you've ever been on the Matterhorn at all... You should go at night when it's all dark. So much fun. Kat and I were screaming. Those yeti always get me. xP
RIGHT BEFORE the trip, I cut my hair. It was almost down to my waist again and I had a great many split ends. My split ends had split ends. Haha. So I cut it again. *Shrug* My hair was long and pretty but of course a fuss, so I cut it. Took some scissors to it and hacked a foot or so off. It was a strange thing... After I'd done it, I felt like crying or throwing up. Or both. But I didn't.
For many months before we got our rings, Kat had been threatening to get me a ring. Patrick was like, NO! Kat can bite me! If she buys you a ring, I'm going to eat it! (And he probably would.) But he hasn't exactly leapt into buying me any ol' engagement ring, so Kat's beat him to it anyway. I stalled from my birthday through Kat's birthday, but we went to Union Square on a Spare the Air day before her trip to Italy and ordered them. It's a terribly snug fit. xP
Yeah. Okay. I'm not really working, though I'm at work. I'm... hungry. Don't get off for another two hours and don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the day either.
[/10:41]
current mood:  working
current music: Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment (Live from 99x)
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(comment on this)
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9:37 am - Another year gone!
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Since the last post I made was over a year ago... I guess I have a few updates about my life.
I'm still working at the library; in fact, I am working RIGHT NOW. But the change is that we used to be at a temp location near Hillsdale, and now we have been in the process of moving back and getting situated in the "new," remodeled library in Downtown.
Shortly after I had entered my senior year in high school, Patrick joined the Marine Corps. It's been rather difficult for us, especially in the beginning. I was really disaffected and unhappy for my senior year. My grades fell and all I wanted was OUT. I just wanted to be out of high school. I felt I was done with it.
I joined the Robotics team. I didn't build, but I helped out, particularly with our newsletter. I wrote some articles and such, but Bernice was really the star. She makes things look beautiful and she's so professional, even when she's got twenty other irons in the fire, so to speak.
Anime Club was... *shakes hand with outspread fingers* eh. It went generally well, but I feel a little disappointed whenever there's a club or group and we're not close enough to know each other semi-well. Organized a FanimeCon group. I paid for the hotel room. Yikes. And I staffed for E-Gaming... which didn't go as I'd hoped and lacked certain perks, but I did have fun.
It was extremely shaky for most of the year. My mother was really worried and aggravated about how poor certain grades were; I kept getting letters from the school warning me that I was in danger of not graduating. But I made it. I had way more credits than I needed to graduate because of extra classes I'd taken. I went over the 500 points necessary for Silver Sword (recognition type thing at my school for involvement in things other than school) from all the clubs and stuff. I'm pretty proud of that...
I got my drivers license. That was a struggle, too. But I got there in the end. Triumph!
Kat and I were in Youth For Asian Theater (YFAT) once again. Co-direction and acting AND stage crew. I had been really anxious about it not turning out well because I felt the company was not prepared enough. It was intense for a while, but the show actually went really smoothly and turned out great.
On Saturday, August 12, I saw Lifehouse in concert at the San Mateo County Fair with Andrea and her family. Kickass. Jason Wade came off the stage to walk down the aisle in the audience and I was about three feet away and had my camera in my hand but was like, holy crap! and was just pretty stunned. Haha. The concert was awesome. I digitally filmed part of "Everything." I love the song, and despite my understanding that it's a song about God rather than romantic love... I am going to make it a part of my future wedding.
Kat and I got engaged. Bought each other 160$ rings from Tiffany & Co. and proposed to each other during a YFAT rehearsal. Haha. Well... Kat is going to UC Santa Cruz and I am going to UC Davis. (Oh the prestige!) And perhaps some of you will recall those cheesy friendship necklaces that came in pairs, and you would get one and your best friend would get one, and when you put them together, they would match up and form one thing. You know, like a piece of a puzzle or some such. So our rings are kinda like that, except... They're just the same ring (different sizes) and don't fit together like puzzle pieces or whatever. It's just a symbol of our bond. Expensive symbols of our bond. Haha.
After graduating from his MOS school in Virginia, Patrick came home for two weeks of leave. We spent lots of time together, though of course not enough. We were sitting on my bedroom floor one night, August 7th, I think, just talking, and he asked me to marry him. Not like it was the first time, hah, but I said yes. But I still wave my left hand at him, wave the empty space on my ring finger. The rings Kat and I bought each other fit to our middle fingers on the left hand -- I had to deliberately leave the ring finger open for Patrick. I'm totally pressuring him, haha.
Oh. Well, it is 10:09 and I think I'm supposed to switch now... That's all for now.
[/10:10]
current mood: bored
current music: SHeDAISY - Still Holding Out For You
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| Monday, July 25th, 2005
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12:01 am - Awesome, new music
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Though this is the same title as my DeadJournal entry, it will be more the-larger-picture than detailed... Plus, i'm unusually tired and my eyelids feel like they want to fall off, so allow me some sort of margin... i mean my poor writing here...
So i'm not likely to be returning here too much, which means i will be keeping with the same frequency with which i have posted here in the past... well, however long it's been. This has not been my primary journal for two or three years, and it's been such a journal of Younger Adolescence that it's no longer quite "me" anyway... It shows how much i've changed. (i hesitate to use the word "grown.")
But i thought i would give a short update/recap/summary of things... Just stuff that may have been missed out on since the last time i REALLY posted well here.
... And i just actually glanced around through the first page, and i HAVE said it many times before that it's all about the DJ now, haha. Whoops. About seven of the entries are crossposts... And there's still more...
Still. So what's happened... Since what seems to be the closest to a real entry here was my fifteenth birthday (X), from that point, i had two more birthdays. i used to have waist-length hair but it was cut to my shoulders. i've toyed with it since but only by giving myself very wispy almost-bangs. It's difficult to tell, maybe. i haven't dyed or bleached it since, though i keep telling myself it'll be purple for this coming school year... Yeah, right, we'll see how it goes. i've been to China. i take lots of pictures with my digital camera and upload some to deviantART on occasion. i attended CSM for health and bio. i attended CSM for psychology. i am attending CSM for microeconomics. i have been working since last fall at the library. i've gotten contacts. i've gotten a permit to drive, but am progressing (if you can use that word for what i'm doing) poorly. i need new glasses. i've learned how to use tampons. i got a silver iPod mini for my birthday and rip songs from cds that i buy as well as borrow from the library to load onto it. i still am not sure where i want to go or what i want to do in the future. i spend more money than i should, and it is relatively a LOT, i guess because i've a job now. My priorities have been altered, and so have my perceptions, and... Well, many things. Self-damaging behaviors are more than just frowned upon. Some friends, i've gotten closer with, and some, i've grown more distant with. My romantic life is different, very, very different than it used to be. Love's been consolidated. A once non-existent interest in sexuality has bloomed. My poetic ability has diminished and dwindled to almost nothing, so that's pretty pathetic. i've gotten myself into many troubles, yet my goodly mother has forgiven them. She's such a saint. Ummm... and i've joined a theater company with my best friend Kat. Acting in two plays and directing one, the performance is in less than three weeks. Oh and i'm rethinking my ideas on marriage. Personally, that is.
Wahh, so tired. And i don't know what else to say. No one reads this anyway.
i just bought this album... i really do like it. Yes, umm... Good night!
[/00:42]
current mood: awful tired...
current music: Courtney Jaye - Traveling Light
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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8:20 pm - pleasant surprises
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OMG my violet leaf grew roots in the midst of winter! YAY!
Truly, great surprise after waiting weeks, wondering maybe that winter was really the wrong season to pilfer a violet leaf... Heheh.
Nya i feel so dorky. my Comments Posted is one less than Comments Received, 90 to 91, so i'm trying to resist and hold off from posting any comments... LoL maybe i ought not to bother, no one reads this anymore anyway.
Happy Chinese New Year, everyone, i totally forgot to say it, nya...
Everyone, go to FanimeCon! It'll be lotsa fun! ^_^
Nothing really has anything to do with anything else in this post, seems pretty random. i got my Hot Topic ordered stuff, btw! i love it! A lovely black Tripp book bag, X tape with grommets and yellow stitching, and a two-pack of solid fluorescent pink tights with black fishnet ones... :D
Okay, really, i should do homework. Heheh. Much love! Sorry for being so inactive. ^_^;;;
[/20:23]
current mood:  dorky
current music: Lisahall - Is This Real?
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| Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
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8:29 pm - i am so in love.
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Just thought i'd let you know. :)
Love, love, love.
In love with my boyfriend - in love with art, music, and beauty - in love with life.
Maybe not with the life i lead, but with life in general. With living, with the friends i have, with the things that are so beautiful that i can see, hear, touch, taste, smell, feel. i'm not dead inside. i used to think that way, and i used to talk that way, and i used to write that way. But no. i feel so alive, sometimes. Even when i'm so tired and sleepy. Even physical exhaustion is nothing really. Because even if i feel like i'm dying... i'm still alive. Still noting my self and my surroundings and all the stupid things i do.
[/20:38]
current mood:  quixotic
current music: teevee
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| Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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10:10 pm - Jimmy crack corn...
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... and i don't care.
i write stupid things... and i don't care!
O-oh, well, i do, but if it's posted, why would i bother deleting it. Like that stalling entry of ____ is love crap.
Yes. Okay. i got a DA account. http://kogitsune.deviantart.com and you KNOW you don't care but when you get bored enough, you'll click. HAH. Okay, so you won't. It's all right.
No one reads this one anyway. i think i've frankly stopped caring about this one much anyway, since... 1) it's so old, people don't know about it 2) it's so old, people don't care about it 3) it's so old, there are few CURRENT and active friends around to bother looking in on me here... It's all about my DeadJournal, i guess. Maybe.
Rant rant rant... yo.
[/22:14]
current mood:  blah blah blah...
current music: CNN
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| Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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10:35 pm - Happy new year!
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You know... i should probably revamp this. Because things have changed and all? But yeah.
Maybe when i have money to waste, and am able to get paid accounts for EEEEVVERYTHiNG. This journal, DeadJournal, DevArt, who knows.
Happy new year, everyone. i hope you have been having very lovely holidays. School resumes for me in less than 9-10 hours. i don't want to go. Please don't make me go. (i'llendupgoingiknowit! i know it! still, i resist... in spirit!)
Yup.
i don't really know, but i should be getting to homework, i suppose. i have to answer about a hundred questions on The Great Gatsby, which, frankly, i don't like. And i mean both answering homework reading questions AND the book. Really. i liked Scarlet Letter but Gatsby? Pfshh. No thanks.
All righty. Enough stalling...
[/22:38]
current mood: blah
current music: don't know what my parents are watching...
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| Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
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6:03 pm - *giggle* love is love
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i'm simply avoiding studying AP chemistry so... bloop.
ooh pretty colors. i love it. some of its absurdity is wonderful. "cows are love," ahahaha. *refresh*
"narcissism is love" - it is, isn't it? and conceit.
okay. i am done. for now.
[/18:08]
current mood: bored
current music: still RotK appendices
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5:29 pm - bloop
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( dh )
bah, that's boring.
Anyway, too lazy for detailing much. See the DeadJournal. It tells all...lllmost everything. Heh. :D
[/17:31]
current mood: bahh
current music: brother's watching Return of the King dvds
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| Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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4:32 pm - cross post//see DeadJournal
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from http://www.deadjournal.com/users/missamy/183185.html
<td>i can't see how you can't do the same for me as i do for you...
i feel like.. we're not at the same level of thought...
and perhaps... that something was not as i thought it was...
now i don't want to do anything.
and i'm wondering.. if i should close this part of me now. for now and for ever.
i hate how vulnerable i can be sometimes. i don't know if i want to be so open anymore to people.
everyone sees a different part of me, at different times. i can be a mirror. i cannot be a window.
maybe... maybe i can be a wall.
close the doors to what is soft and warm inside, the nerves sensitive and easily injured, bruised. close the doors and lock this place up and away.
maybe this is melodramatic. it is. but it's what i'm thinking about... what harm in thinking... versus whatever harm in the actual actions or deeds?
so don't worry... i'm only thinking...
only worry.. when the deed is actually done.
[/16:17] </td>
bleh, i don't know. don't worry... (not that you will.)
i just needed to vent. i always take time to think... which is why the homework never gets done...
[/16:38]
current mood: blah
current music: Spice Girls - Naked
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| Friday, December 17th, 2004
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11:53 pm - lyric-thing stolen from:
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4:21 pm - Hey everyone
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Hey there.
i haven't posted in 59 weeks, it says. That is definitely over a year and a month.
Wow, LiveJournal has changed a lot since i last posted here.
Sorry i haven't been around much. DeadJournal has my favor... Easier to work with there... and stuff...
Things sure have changed.
i don't know what else to say. i'm home, i'm home. Today was the last day of school of this year. Won't be heading back there until 2005. What wonders...
It's kind of hard to believe i have been gone so long from here. i never meant to abandon it forever...
i didn't mean to start some things and then abandon them... i'm sorry.
i don't mean to abandon. i just take a really long time in returning.
Anyway... what can i say. i'm pooped.
[/16:26]
current mood: blanktranslucentslightlyhollow
current music: brother playing FFX
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
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10:02 pm - w00t
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can't keep up two online journals at a time ^_^;;
everything (well, almost) that's been going down is on my DeadJournal so check that out if you want ^^;;;
| The Potion Maker |
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| kitsunetenshillium is a milky, pasty lavender gel made from the lungs of a sphinx. | | Yet another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern |
:) love,
meee.
[/22:04]
current mood: pleased
current music: Dream A Dream - Captain Jack
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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12:35 am - xDDD cross-post!
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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7:03 am - sorry ^^;
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i know i haven't been writing here in ages. as always, go look at the other journal, because that's where it is all at... but yeah. here's a cross-post:
hooome! LJClient!! nyaaaah!
i'm on my normal computer! w00t! take that, Compaq!.. (heh. the other computer is a Compaq. this is... an eMachine. or something.) erm... ye-ahhh...
but anyway. i did indeed...
cut my hair
yup, yup. a foot and a half.. GONE! it's shoulder-length, which is funny, since.. well, i knew this would happen. i KNEW my mother would make it shorter than she indicated... (my shoulder blade... which is like, 3 inches longer than how it is right now.) anyway.. it's longer in front. so it tends to hang in my face until i pin it back and whatnot. like right now.
you'll have to wait for the post-pictures. and the pre-pictures. they haven't gotten developed yet... the post-pictures.. well, i haven't even loaded the film yet, so uhh... will be a while to take 26 pictures. be patient, please.
i woke up a little before 5a to do my homework, seeing as i did almost none of it yesterday, which was indeed a minimum day...
anyway. it's 7a now, i have a big history thingy to go finish off, and i'm mostly done... hopefully i can get to school early and ask about the lab yesterday... as i can't quite finish, since my group didn't know what the hell they were doing and apparently, i don't have the mass for the triangle piece of foil... eh, never mind ^_^;
but yeah, that's it for now. more laaater
[/7:02; Kitsune]
current mood: geeky
current music: Lost - The Calling
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| Monday, August 25th, 2003
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12:35 am - school in 7 hours
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hahaha erm... i have a headache. @@;;
oy! i got a phone today! w00t-ness. i want ringtones but can't figure it out. oh well.
need to finish 1984 still. wish me luck, since i've got about an hour left. ooh the puter clock says 12:34 *giggle* o.o; no.
nya i guess i'm gonna go ^^;;; gotta get my stuff together and whatnot. more later :P
[/Kitsune]
current mood: weird
current music: Spiders - Joydrop
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| Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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11:31 am - CRoSS-PoST
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yup! so i've been online for 4 hours now... eh. oh well.
spent it playing Afterlife (well, TRYiNG to, w/Dave K. ^___^) and then got worried about some typing glitch my computer's been having for a few days now... it seems fine right now but it just happens at almost totally random times... yeah. i just try typing, and no matter what key i've hit, the program that's been selected/active while my attempted typing has, supposedly, an error or something and needs to be closed. so EVERYTHiNG.. (well, whatever program) gets shut down, even Explorer, and i'm left with my ??;; face or O.O;;; face and with phrases and words like wtf and so on :P
*sigh* oh yeah, the last two hours or so were spent playing Diablo II. i was falling asleep while in Flayers Jungle or whatever it is.. and that.. swamp... or something. ARGH gloams are poo-butts. meh.
saaaaa i tried studying, sorta, not really. you know, 4 hours ago, when my mother woke me up and chastised me for having wet hair after showering and not blow-drying and just going straight to bed so i was SUPPOSEDLY soaking meh blankets and stuff, even though i WASN'T..? yeah.
you know... i don't know why i keep using 'saa.' i guess it's just because... i don't know. it sounds cool. hah, i like it better than 'ano' or 'eto,' i guess. i heard Tart use it in Tokyo Mew Mew but it wasn't really.. anything. eh. maybe i just like it because it streeetches. well, it does when i say it.
i'm rambling, but really, i DiD get.. a few minutes of sleep. erm. yeah. i think i'll go take... a nap... *fwump; snore* (i don't think i snore but for expressive/demonstrative purposes...)
current mood: sleepy
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2:27 am - CROSS-POST
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teehee... hmmm Revis, nya? they sound pretty good... (they were on Jimmy Kimmel Live an hour ago and i was like... O.O -- ^_^;;)
saaa... they're doing a tour w/Evanescence and Cold and some others so i want to go now O.O;;;
LoL... not just that they sound good... they look kinda cute too... ewwww am i being a hormonal creature? hahaha. all right, i'm gonna go... i have so much work and studying that i haven't done... i feel like 67% of me wants to give up because i am NOT.. likely... to learn like, 10 lessons worth of kanji and grammar and vocabulary in 2 weeks! i totally slacked off, so unintentionally... *sigh* i'm gonna pay for it... i'm gonna be stuck in 3-4 instead of moving ahead to 5-6...
and yet... this 33% wants to try. REALLY hard. and get it all done, and cram... yeah, cram it ALL >_<;;; shimatta!! how am i going to do this... there's so much frickin' kanji to learn! i am bound by scholastic duty to try... but i don't know. i might fail, because.. i let myself. i am a compulsive.. what might the word be... i don't know, i just give up so easily because.. it's easy for me.
anyway, i'm gonna go and drool over concert tickets i can't likely get. *wave* oyasumi.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Revis music on their official site + Oprah on tv
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